كثير من الناس من يكون لديهم روح الكتابة الرائعة روعة وروعة في القلم لكن لايجدون التشجيع من الناس من الاصدقاء او تكون كتابتهم في السر نسبة لانها تنقل للاخرين روح خفية واشياء دفينة موجودة في قلوبهم لكن هذا ليس سببا كافيا لكي يخفوه عن الناس فالكتابة تريح القلب المجروح وتزيل بعضا من الهموم نسبا لعدم توفر الاصداقاء الذين نستطيع البوح لهم بما نشعر او نحس لذا هذه دعوة مني لصديقي ليواصل كتابته واتمنى يوما ان اسمع انه قام بعمل مدونة
وهذا رابطه في الفيس بوك لمن اراد ان يتواصل معه ولمن يريد ان يقرا مزيدا من كتاباته واتمنى له التوفيق
It is 5:45 pm, and I'm still awake, took two sleeping pills, still its hard to sleep, cant close my eyes without seeing him, cant stop thinking bout him, thoughts in my head cant stop them from blowing.
the only one whom I loved, whom i adored, really wonted to have thought about every inch in my body, the one whom i wonted him to dream about me naked, him on top of me making love, he is the only one whom i wanted to take me out of my clothes, to spend nights next to him, when i awake in the morning i would touch his face smoothly, get drunk by his breath, by his heart beat, his arms around me, my head on his hairy tanned chest, he smells like lemon and mints, fresh and humid in hot sunny mornings. now his chest is moving slowly with each breath in and out, I brought my nose close to his fine sharp nose so i could smell his breath, to take his carbon dioxide inside my chest, to keep him in my body, wont to take a part of his sole and save it inside mine, i wanted to freeze this scene and to memorize each and every detail of him, I never wanted to forget him, never wanted to pass him, to get over him, how i could? he is the only one i loved, and its not just love, its passion, like a poison in your bones. now his arms slightly moved, tingling my hips and thigh giving me goose pumps, I slightly shivered as he getting me closer to his body, his face is just few inches from mine, I never get closer to anybody such like that, i broke all the boundaries, its the passion. but am glad, i said to myself "I'm in love, am living my most wild and sweatiest dreams, i will never be that happy again, I got everything, I am in heaven."
I wished we could spend all our lives like this, doing nothing but just makinglove, and sleeping close to each others , smelling lemon and mints from his sweat, lying closer to his hairy tanned chest.as we both guarded by Aphrodite and Venus themselves, they gave us their blessings, only me and him could say their ancient spell of love, we learned how to make love by the ancient Gods of love themselves.
Now he is on 11 hours flight to Brighton, the blond flight attendant on the KLM airbus jet told them politely in her deep well trained voice"passengers were kindle allowed to fasten their seat belts, and stay calm, we will take off within 5 minutes". he wanted to stay away from me, wonted to be as far as he can. but whom is he kidding? I have thoughts about him now, on his pale brown cotton shirt, a dark blue jeans, and dark brown leather jacket, he never looked such kind and sexy, I never wanted him like that time, i hugged him saying good buy, my voice shaking, smelling his lemon and mints perfume for the last time. On that plane he sat on the chair next to the window, its his favorite place on air, and thought to himself" i am so close to the moon, I am in the same level of the stars, I am above the heavy rainy clouds, i could just pull my hands out the glass and grasp it, clod and clear skies" i can hear him clearly from my place, he never liked being on ground, he never liked to be committed to anything, he never liked routine and timetables, he is an artist. "I am the center of my universe, I am free as a bird" whispered once on my ear when we were having dinner some-night.
It have been two years now, I still remember that cold December, as if it was just two days ago. when he broke up with me, he was calm and quite just as usual, he said he can't do it anymore, he became clear with me, for him i am just a friend, I am just a "best friend" not a lover, he cant love he is a free bird , didn't want to trap him self, I hated that phrase the most, i couldn't stand hear it. how come, i never did anything wrong, I just loved him passionately, that's what hurt me the most. his face didn't show any emotion, cold as an ice cube, I felt like the world is paused for a hundred year, the surroundings were melting, i couldn't here what he was saying, my mouth opened but i couldn't talk, i just d=swallowed my words, and tears, i wanted to vanish, wished i never existed, wished if i was still tiny unfinished cell in my mother's right ovary. how he do this to me, didn't he know how much i adore him, and how much i still do, for me he is my passion, my reason to live, to get up from my bed in the morning, and for him i was just a ghost, invisible, a tiny drop in his ocean. my eyes were full of tears, very think and hot, all what i wanted to do is to scream all my voice out, to hug him and cry, but Ii didn't want to drop a tear in front of him, didn't wont to show his how desperately i was, how much i needed him close to me, how much I wanted to smell his lemons and mints forever. that night i felt like a dark black hollow started to grow in my chest, a hole that swallow my sole, my slaughters, my smiles, my tears too. that night I cried like i never did before, silently in my room, my billow over my head, like a hard rock, i cried till i fall sleep, i had nightmares about scary faces, people left alone in deserts, people having surgeries without anesthesia, felling every drop of blood loss, every cut the surgeon do. in the mornings i touch my face and i could feel the hot tears it is still wet and warm, my eyes still humid with tears, i was crying when i was sleeping, cringe with the faceless bloody heroes of my nightmares.
I spent days talking to nobody, waiting for him, he might call, might fell the guilt, might change his mind, i never let the phone of my hand, the lat thing i wanted is to miss his call, it would be my last chance, i cant let it go. but days went so slowly, minutes like hours, hours like full summer days, days ran as months, I am still waiting, he never called. i was eating, full meals, sometimes five meals per day, but i tasted nothing, everything tasted just like water, I am losing my senses one after another, I am turning to a zombie, inside me was dead, i felt nothing joyful, nothing worth life. nothing in the entire world could harm you like losing a friend, like losing a lover.
i wanted to call him, to see him i desperately forced myself not to call him, i didn't know which could harm you the most never hear about him , and call him knowing that I am just a friend for him, i never looked him that way.
i could spend hours wondering what he is doing right now, is he seeing anyone, i knew his type, strange enough I am exactly his type, still for him i am just a "best friend." at this time maybe he is having dinner with some hansom guy, he loved dinners outside, telling him how he uses computer programs on his work, having Turkish coffee after dinner. I knew every detail about him, what his favorite meal, how he likes his coffee, for him the is like torsion, i knew his favorite color, his favorite music, romantic, thriller and comic movies were his favorite so for me. I knew what makes him laugh.
I cant stand the idea that he might fall in love with someone else, no one would know him as much as i did, and no one will know me as much he did, i was like a close book but for him I am so predictable. Now he is 30.000 miles above the see level, exploring the future much far away as i never imagined, in a place were there is no more me.
may be someday i could see him again, after ten or twenty years, i never wanted to lose him. but now all what i got is an empty bottle of lemon and mints perfume, a box of photos, and a broken severely damaged heart, may be someday i could fix it again, may be i could get over him someday, but that hole in my chest I ont think it will heal easily, actually i will heal leaving a scars, scars that years will never erse it, scars stronger than time itself.
I am full of faith that all the sore is coming closed to the end. the clouds will soon separate, eventually the rains will stop, sooner or later the sun will shine again, i will be all fixed up, will get a new dress from the sunlight, my damaged heart will be fixed, and my dead sole will live again, but more stronger, more stabber, more illuminated that i never imagined. only good times now..........
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